Mommy Reflections

Teah started preschool today. I can't believe I thought that I might not cry. :) She goes Tuesdays and Thursdays from 9am-11:30am and right now it's 11:06 as I'm writing this. So, I'll have to blog about how her first day went for her later in the afternoon. I, on the other hand, have spent the last two hours reflecting on my own emotions.

I made it through the actual dropping her off with just a few moments of glistening eyes, but when I walked out of the building I sat on a park bench, gave Carter some breakfast in his strolled, and cried. Once I had my moment I realized I didn't know exactly when to pick her up - was it 11:15 or 11:30? I couldn't remember. So, back to the front desk I went. Teah's preschool is in the basement of the building so I decided that I needed to peek in after chatting with Dee (working the front desk) for a few minutes - it was 9:30am. Both of the doors were closed, but they have little windows in them. I peeked in and saw Teah happily playing with a doll. There are only 5 kids in her class right now and one little girl was crying for her Mommy. Teah seemed oblivous to this :) After peeking I lost it again and had to take another "moment".

"Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."

~Elizabeth Stone

When I dropped Teah off in her room there was a maintenance man working in one of the rooms next to it and it made me uncomfortable. I thought, "Who is this guy? Do they know him?" I realized one of my first emotions of leaving Teah was fear. The quote above is exactly it - my heart was in the preschool and I wasn't there to protect it. I love the preschool and trust the teachers and know that it is as safe as it can be, but it's hard to get over the paranoia and worry. That made me think about how hard it must've been for parents (in general - I don't feign to even begin to know how those close to the situation felt) to take their children to school after Columbine - I had never really thought about it from that angle before.

I was the only one at the preschool who was dropping off my oldest child for the first time. The teachers gave all of the parents a little note with a baggie stapled to it filled with a tissue and tea bag. The note told us to go home, dry our tears, make a cup of tea, and relax. :) They could tell it was hard for me and they called and left me a message letting me know that Teah was doing fine (Carter and I were having breakfast at Burger King). The funny thing is, that's not what I'm worried about. I know she's ready and she'll do great with me not being there. I've always known that this was going to be harder on me than her. I wondered what it was then that made me so emotional and I realized it was because I always know what she's doing and now I don't. And honestly it's not a control thing. The fact is that I'm going to be missing some of her "firsts" and happy moments. I'm not going to be the person there to witness the good times and help her when she's upset. It's only 2 1/2 hours for 2 times a week and I know it's what she needs, but it's definitely part of my sadness just not being there with her.